Stare deeply into my eyes...

For many of my students, the leap to a first (or maybe second solo...) is always a tough one.  It is rare to find a dancer who runs head first into the challenges without any hesitation. One of my students, Krysta, is getting ready to make that jump on April 9, coincidentally on my birthday at the next Cafe Shimmy.  She's popped up in this blog more than once as a guest writer (see here and here), and this week she had sent me the following post, although I just sat down to read it tonight...after class had ended. Call it serendipity, but the fates seemed to align to not only have a chance to work solo with her tonight, but to talk about the very essence of her post...before I even knew it was her post! 

I have all sorts of improvisation drills that I run my students through from time to time, and this evening I had Krysta  perform her solo just for me, and look into my eyes the entire time.  Normally this drill sends dancers into a bit of a tailspin, but in Krysta's case her movements were more fluid, her dancing became less erratic and more focused, determined and soulful than when she just danced without making that same eye contact.  When I asked how the exercise was, I was surprised when she told me it made the dancing easier.  We both had a light bulb moment as she explained that while dancing with my undivided attention, she no longer worried about being boring, and was able to trust that she was interesting, captivating and deserved the attention the audience.  It was a really wonderful moment to share with her.  

I then came home and opened up her email, with her suggestion for a blog entry.  Warm fuzzy feelings for me, beautiful words for all of you...and serendipity strikes once again, so sit back and enjoy!

Boring.  That is the last thing I want to be as a dancer – or as a performer in any regard.  I know I’m not alone in the fear of being uninteresting.  I doubt that anyone at any point consciously wishes to be bored or boring, especially when engaging in something for which they care deeply. 

A common roadblock when tasked with choreographing or improvising is the crippling fear that what you create will be painfully uninteresting.  On a personal front, this is the rationale behind my gross procrastination.  My college years of movement and physical acting often involved frantically throwing something together around midnight before the next class day.  A friend who was doing some reading on the psychology of procrastination years later told me that procrastinators are often perfectionists.  [Guilty as charged…and counterproductive, if I might add.]  So procrastination is the handy dandy tool we use to excuse poor work.  “It was not as good as it could’ve been because I did not have very much time to work on it.” 

Four weeks from the day I’ve written this entry, I must perform my first solo as a belly dancer.  My shimmies are still a bit tense, my undulations still contain pauses in those hard-to-capture areas of my belly, and hip drops and sways are clearly lopsided.  My zil skills are nil.  [Yes, I had an amazing time writing that sentence.]  And my veil is still on a mission to attack my face at any opportunity.  So it’ll just me – and a super shiny costume – and a super shiny song for 3 minutes. 

Recently in Najla’s technique class, we were asked to improvise using fluid movement while the rest of the class followed.  There was hesitation among us all in the first round – yours truly included.  Najla then instructed us to allow breath to inform our movement and not worry about the complexity of the movement, rather than try to generate movement on our own.  After this instruction, the movement became compelling; lines were not cut off, inhibition had taken a backseat, and we were interesting to watch, even with the slow, slinky movement.  And we were easier to watch…because we were breathing…not fighting for control.  It was simply ours.

It pays to delegate...or lessons in letting go.

I am a woman of too many ideas, too many inspirations and too much innovation for my own good.  If I had a job that required nothing more of me than to listen to some problem/issue/obstacle and then brainstorm for ideas to solve it/resolve it/or move on...I am your gal.  The downside of all of this can be a lack of momentum, a lack of focus and too many projects to juggle.  I recently met a woman who described herself as "compulsively creative" and that term resonated with me as well.  So here I am Internet; confessing to this compulsion.  "Hi, I'm Najla and I'm a compulsive creative."  

There is a section in The Artist's Way that discusses how you can literally die from boredom because creativity is oxygen for our souls.  Julia Cameron, the author, notes that cutting off our creativity makes us savage and we react like we are being choked.  I have felt that rage, in my work, in my dance relationships and in my personal life as well.  But, recognizing the need to create is just one part of the solution.  The next part is paring down, focusing and really nurturing the creative projects that keep you inspired.

So, this last year has been an exercise in paring down, and cutting back on events (and relationships) that either hold me back, drain me of energy or resources or interfere with my need to create.  On the one hand, setting those boundaries has been tremendously liberating and on the other hand...quite humbling.  Humbling because it has forced me to acknowledge the areas of my life that I cannot possibly manage given other obligations.  For some dancers, their 'day-time' job is a placeholder, a way to help pay rent or get insurance or just maintain a steady flow of income.  For me, my day job is a major career with responsibilities that require a commitment of my time and energy.  And, as much as I love teaching and dancing, this will never be the majority of my livelihood. 

Not that I am less serious about the dancing and teaching, I just simply want to acknowledge the hierarchy of my responsibilities.   I consider myself a professional dancer and teacher, I keep business records, pay taxes and set lesson plans and business goals.  But I cannot do this all myself.  What I can do is take inspiration from Kramer on Seinfield and recruit interns.  And in an ideal world (probably not Kramer's), both the employer and the intern benefit from the relationship.  One person gets their needed assistance and support and the other one has a chance to expand their knowledge base, make new contacts and build their skill set.

I may not be Kramerica Industries, but this year I've expanded my support network. It began by partnering with a local dancer (and friend), Casey, to produce Mother-Daughter belly dance workshops.  She is talented, reliable, down to earth and easy to spend time with.  And, she just began monthly dance shows in North Austin.  So, the workshop serve us both...my need to teach...and her desire to promote and support her shows. 

And then this last week, I officially designated a Marketing Director for my classes, my dancing and my troupe.  Hmmm...and once again with a talented, reliable, down-to-earth, lovely lady, Krysta who happens to be one of my students as well!  Again, I think this is a mutually beneficial relationship.  She loves to work on marketing ideas, is so eager to learn more about the dance, and has such an engaging personality.  And for me, she can keep me on track!

So, maybe some lessons in life take longer to learn, but I am learning...and growing...and still creating.  But, my goal this year is to do it in a meaningful, focused, fashion!

What I Did on Summer Vacation

Whew, long...long time in posting. Life's been busy and very tumultuous. So, here's the short list on what I did this summer.

1. Rushed from the end of Mirage season into workshops, performances and teaching.
2. Decided spur of the moment to get some professional pics taken, and then decided to make a new costume in less than 10 days.
3. Realized that my belly dancing rut had more to do with life in general and decided it may be time to make some changes, big changes.
4. Decided I wanted to take a sabbatical from Mirage in the fall, and re-group.
5. Discovered the Artist's Way and realized it may just be what I needed to restart my creative juices.
6. Found an Artist's Way group starting the book in September...and joined them.
7. Was invited to join Bahaia and Stacey Lizette in a twice a year student recital, that we named "The Hip Circle Hafla" in which performances would be limited to our students.
8. Joined forces with Jamie Lynn to create a one-day costume workshop to teach people how to make and alter cabaret-style costumes.
9. Announced to Mirage that I would be taking a sabbatical...interesting and enlightening conversations ensued, then...
10. Decided to quit the troupe after 8.5 years as a member.

I felt like I ended a long-term relationship when I wasn't quite ready to make that change. I cried, I felt alone...and then I felt inspired and invigorated. When I started this blog I intended to have stories beyond just reviews of the show. How ironic, that now it is really about me finding out who I am as a dancer outside of Mirage.

Mirage was the place I got my 'hips' wet, performed my first solos, directed my first choreographies, was given the opportunity to teach, and above all else, the honor of meeting and dancing with so many wonderful women. Now, I get to learn if I am more than just a member of the troupe. How fitting this blog title now seems!

Problems with Posing

The last week has been a whirlwind. I completed a costume for a photo shoot I had lined up and that alone seemed like a race to the finish line. The photo shoot was an impulse event spurred on solely by the fact that a really wonderful dance photographer was going to be in Austin for a couple of days only. Pixie is her name, and very cool photos are her game.

I knew I had less than ten days to get everything ready to go. Although I knew I couldn't lose 20 pounds in that time, I wanted to feel completely confident and fabulous. The costume was more work than expected but came out wonderfully. I tried waxing my underarms for the first time (ungodly painful....but actually worth it), did my nails (which means I can't type fast right now), and even practiced eye make up applications several times.

I spent so much time working on the logistics I forgot about the emotional and physical sides of this. I've done shoots before but they were much more posed and choreographed. Imagine my surprise then when she wanted me to move more, but not in the way I was used to dancing. Every little nuance that would work on stage looked really bad on film, which now explains why my dance photos rarely turn out!

Between her barking out instructions and my mind rushing to interpret them, somewhere along the way my self-confidence and ego were just shattered. I felt overwhelmed, stiff, uncomfortable and awkward. Even my hands didn't know how to behave! I'm known for my graceful hand and arm movements but apparently they took the day off. It was an incredibly long hour and I truly felt stripped, exposed and not very joyful.

That one hour taught me more about where I need to improve as a dancer than any workshop I've ever attended. It was such a hard lesson to learn and not at all what my ego was expecting this week. She wanted joy, but I fell short. She wanted smouldering, and I fizzled. She wanted warrior and I wimped out. She wanted confidence and grace and I had none. In the end I felt like I had run a marathon without the endorphin rush.

I did learn that what translates on stage doesn't always translate to photos. You can make grand sweeping gestures, flick your hair or dazzle people with spins, however one on one with a camera those moves don't matter, they don't count and they don't work. I learned yesterday that I hide behind a variety of moves in my dance that may not always serve me well. So, my work is to let go of them, explore different movement and really assess how I want to be perceived as a dancer.

In the meantime, I do have some lovely photos to enjoy. I walked away with over 200 photos taken, about 35 that I'm pondering, and I'll end up with 12-15 that will be edited for publicity purposes. So, there were moments where I triumphed, where I hit the mark, where I was completely in the moment but it sure took a lot of work to get there!

If you listen carefully...

the music tells you what to do. If there is one lesson someone needs to take away from belly dancing it is just that. Technique, complex combinations, fabulous costumes and wonderful venues aside it boils down to the music. Sure, I was enchanted and entranced by the costumes and the colors and the sparkles and oh my, all the accouterments that come along with this dance but first and foremost it was the music that moved me, touched me and seduced me. And if you listen carefully you don't need to think about what step or position or pose you can use, you just have to let go and trust that the music will tell you what to do.

I can't tell you how many times I have heard a song and felt a rush of emotions through my body as I watched a dancer perform. People have said that if a dancer is skilled a deaf person could 'hear' the music by just watching the movements on her body. It's true, I've been there...and it's amazing. Some dancers perform to a song, while others let the music come through them. Trust me, the most technically proficient dancer pales in comparison to a dancer who lets go and lets the music tell her what to do.

So, I was so excited and impressed that one of my beginner students 'got it'. I announced tonight they would start learning a short choreography and at first she looked a little worried especially since she's still getting the hang of some steps. But after a moment's reflection she noted that this dance, compared to all others, seems to come from the music. And, she visibly relaxed when she realized that it probably is easier when you have the music helping teach you what to do and when...and how...

And, for the rest of us, we just have to trust that our bodies know what to do if we just listen carefully.

So much for planning everything.

Okay, although I certainly can embrace ambiguity and uncertainty in life I'll admit I need a healthy dose of order and organization to get me through the week. There is a part of me that likes to mess with rules and order while another part of me that craves the continuity it brings. I've been reading a great book that talks about surrending control and really being in the moment (Eat, Pray, Love), a book I highly recommend! A friend at work had recommended it to me, and said I reminded her of the character who essentially takes a year off to travel to Italy, India and Bali in search of pleasure, duty and balance in her life. I've made it through Italy (and it took all I had not to book a flight imediately), enjoyed hearing her challenges in India (which reminds me I should meditate more) and now we're in Bali. What struck me the most is the fact that this woman (true story) headed off to a country to live and train with a Balinese healer with zero planning or preparation. She didn't have a map, didn't know where she would stay, and didn't even know if this man was still alive and would even consider working with her. Really such a great exercise in letting go...and yes, it did all fall in place for her. It sounds corny, but sometimes if you let go and surrender the Universe does give you what you need.

I really have been trying to trust in that, but lately I've been a little worried about the actual implementation of the idea. I've been teaching Informal Classes since 2001 and keep thinking I should teach outside of UT at some point in time. The logistics have always bogged me down though. Do you find a location and then find the students or do you find the students and then the location? Such a quandry! Well, last fall I had students and decided I've give it a try and quickly found a location that was convienant for me and would suit my needs. Then, I just had to trust that there would be enough students to cover the rent...and make it worthwhile. Well, without any advertising...that was accomplished (and quite quickly). So, I started out in December with some classes and eager to put plans in place for the spring to expand the number of students and really focus on helping my students (and myself) evolve as dancers.

Well, January came and I found out that the studio I was renting may be sold...and I panicked! I thought perhaps I should cancel instead of disappointing students down the road but I really didn't want to go that route. So, I thought I would let go, surrender and trust that the location would just turn up. A few weeks later, I found out that as of the end of February...no more space. Originally I thought I had plenty of time to work things out and I had some secondary plans...but the truth is I really wanted a permanent space of my own (maybe not owning the building...but not teaching at the same venue as another belly dance instructor). Well, most of my plans and options didn't work out and literally today I told myself something better turn up quickly because I was feeling panicky again.

The good news, it did... and before I started calling locations (off of a long list I had made), I got a call instead. (Really, I was just scanning my list and the phone rang!!!!!) And, the call was from my first (and optimal) choice for location, a beautiful studio called Tarrytown Dance. The owner was excited about the idea of me teaching there, there are no other class conflicts...and it's a perfect central location. Whew, what a relief! So, for today at least all I'm feeling is "yeah, Universe", thanks for taking care of me! And...what a nice feeling it is to let go of worrying and find out that everything does take care of itself in the end! Now tomorrow, we'll have to wait and see ;-)